Are you a single person, looking for the one? Are a you married person whose marriage is failing? Do you believe that if you could only find, date, or marry the right person, that everything will be fine? You’re not alone. But you may perhaps have been raised to believe a myth.
The Right Person myth.
What follows is a summary of what Andy Stanley, the pastor of the North Point Ministries, based out of Alpharetta, GA has to say about finding the right person. And for the full book and message, check it out here, here, and here.
But let’s break down what Andy Stanley says concerning the new rules of Love, Sex, and Dating.
As he puts it, our past will show up in your future. It’s inevitable, though a lot of us believe we can avoid it.
Married people thought that once they got married, it would be a brand new day. A brand new thing.
They thought they were cutting ties with their past. But then their past showed up in their future.
The present will be your past, which will show up in your future.
What you’re doing right now in terms of your dating life, will show up in your future. It will show up in your married life.
Your relational past will show up later. Your dating behaviors. It’ll follow you into the future.
There are no marriage problems. People with problems get married. And then they have a troubled marriage. You have two single people problems that combined in a marriage. They’re single people problems that followed them into marriage.
Their past has been dragged into their future. That’s a reality.
What you’re doing now? It matters.
But part of the problem is a myth. It’s called the right person myth.
It goes like this. If I marry the right person, everything will be all right.
When I meet the right person, everything will be all right.
But while you’re looking for the right person, the other person is doing the same thing.
Meeting the Right Person
How do you know you’ve met the right person?
And you fall into believing that no one has ever loved like this. This is unique. We are unique. Our love is unique.
But a marriage isn’t all about chemistry. It’s about relationships.
Passion isn’t enough.
And the chemistry starts to suffer and die. And the guy begins to think more sex will cure their problems. But girls don’t think like that.
And before you know it, they’ve fallen into the myth. The right person myth.
About the time the relationship is suffering, the chemistry is dying, and the whole thing has become completely dysfunctional, someone, usually the woman, comes up with a solution.
We should have a baby.
And the guy thinks, well that will require sex. Sure!
So you have two dysfunctional people deciding to bring another life into the equation. As an attempt to fix the relationship.
We are all very much the same. We have so much in common.
Top two times a man is most likely to have an affair? One of those times is when his wife is pregnant.
And women think, but why?
Guys. A lot of you will say you have needs. And you’re talking about sex. But sex is not a need.
Water is a need. Food is a need. But sex is not actually a need.
A man, believe it or not, can go his entire life without having sex, and it will not kill him. Going without sex will not cause him to die.
So here we have two people who didn’t know much about relationships. The passion is dying, the chemistry is fading. And to top it off, now they have a baby so no one is getting any sleep.
The Wrong Person
And one day at work, the man looks up and sees… her.
The right person.
And he realizes, you know what’s wrong with my marriage?
I married … the wrong person.
Second marriages have a higher failure rate than first marriages. Because they buy into the right person myth again!
Two used cars. Two used pairs of shoes. What are you going to do?
Our culture doesn’t celebrate it.
Our culture isn’t against happy marriages or successful marriages. But happy marriages and successful marriages? They’re boring.
Great marriages get no air time. Our culture highlights trouble and drama. We like entertainment!
But none of that reflects reality.
If I date the right person, find the right person, marry the right person, it’s a myth. It’s a lie.
Instead of finding the right person, are you becoming the right person?
Did you spend time trying to become the right person?
This should be the new way of dating.
Finding Faith Attractive
One young lady explained her experience.
Grew up in religious home. But when she moved to Atlanta, she became immersed in the dating scene, and kind of left God out of it.
But one night, during this gathering, she met the “total” guy. He was a Christian. He was living out his faith in his relationships. Mature, good looking, and living out his faith which she found attractive.
She left this party and went home. She starts telling her mom about this guy. And she keeps going on and on about this guy.
And her mom finally stops her and says, Sweetheart. A guy like that isn’t looking for a girl like you.
And she cried. Because she knew it was true.
In that moment, she decided she needed a life change.
Are you who the person you’re looking for is looking for?
Is the person you’re looking for looking for you? Are you becoming
Are you being intentional?
Or are you playing the game?
I’m going to magically meet the right person.
It doesn’t work that way. It’s a myth.
Decide I’m not just hunting and seeking. I want to be the person that the person I’m looking for is ultimately looking for.
If you feel like you’ve failed when it comes to dating and relationships, you’re not alone. And your relationship doesn’t have to be doomed. You can make a new start today.
What did you think the most important take away was from Andy Stanley’s The Right Person Myth in his New Rules for Love, Sex, and Dating? Comment on it below what you think Andy got right, and what he could have done better on.
And for more on this message, and others like it in the “Love, Sex, and Dating” series, see below.
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